My cat Kafka strikes the three-quarter pose like no other. I’m not saying he’s better looking than your kids (even though he is).

My cat Kafka tackles the philosophical questions that my Facebook friends are too lazy to answer for themselves. If you have my Facebook tag, please send my cat Kafka your questions as he will take time off between licking his paw and brushing the side of his head with it to reply. If you don’t have my Facebook tag then go away.

Why are there wars?
What you want to hear: Seeing as the longing for conquest and destruction is guided by our own selfishness, the war within is the one we must brave.
What my cat Kafka really thinks:
Theory #1: Wars exists because there are too many people doing nothing important, and having them killed provides an assertion of value for the rest.
Theory #2: Because war is the path used by victorious nations to prolong their existence; through war they get to spread their ideology and culture, while gaining control over the rest of the world’s knowledge, territory, natural resources, and population.
Theory #3: It is an aspect of human nature to desire (and in many cases enjoy) killing. If the yearning didn’t exist there would be no murders to consider and no laws in place to punish it. Wars make of killing a licensed proposition.

Does every person want to be famous?
What you want to hear: Sure, talented people attract more attention, but with fame comes loneliness, envy, and paranoia. Fame leads to the bankruptcy of the soul.
What my cat Kafka really thinks: Yes, every person wants to be famous, but most are forced to lower their expectations early in life because they are not exceptional. So they end up reaping whatever attention they can get from others who achieve even lower levels of attention and are left with no other option but to dispense admiration.

Is love that which makes the world go round?
What you want to hear: Yes.
What my cat Kafka really thinks:

Theory #1: No.
Theory #2: And we have to share this planet together. How is that fair?
Theory #3: Are you still in the third grade?
Theory #4: Ahem, that would be gravity.

Why do people strive for improvement?
What you want to hear:
The constant search for progress must be the main goal of each individual, as it ensures a better world for our children, our children’s children, our children’s children’s children, and so on.
What my cat Kafka really thinks:

Theory #1: Given that it is much easier for humans to destroy than to create, progress is like having a donkey chasing a carrot at the end of a stick: it makes folks feel accomplished, but ultimately its impact is short-lived due to the overwhelming forces of corruption, mediocrity, idleness, disease, fatigue, and death.
Theory #2: Most people don’t strive for the kind of improvement that is worthy of respect. For every child that matures into a decent, responsible, and intelligent human being (after more than twenty years of hard work), there are thousands of selfish, average, dumb, poor, and/or unsatisfied people that merely survive to make ends meet, and that reproduce without first taking an honest look at themselves in the mirror (not a metaphor).
Theory #3: With the triumph of one comes the humiliation of the rest, and there is no better feeling than to watch the competition cope with their shame as they retreat into a humble reality.

Why do people share?
What you want to hear: Because sacrifice is the highest form of compassion, and compassion encourages feelings of benevolence.
What my cat Kafka really thinks: To feel superior, and to guarantee a better chance of receiving help when in trouble.

Why are there poets?
What you want to hear: poets are linguistic prophets that ever so succinctly open the windows of beauty and truth to the reader.
What my cat Kafka really thinks: Poets? There are no poets. There are only lazy writers.

Why are there novelists?
What you want to hear: Novelists explore such complex aspects of the human condition, they need to create larger worlds for their characters to develop in.
What my cat Kafka really thinks: because some writers lack the talent to say something meaningful in a few pages.

Why is there corruption?
What you want to hear:
What goes around comes around, so in this life or the next, the suitable punishment will come to those who abuse their authority.
What my cat Kafka really thinks:

Theory #1: Corruption exists because in order to stay in office, politicians need to protect the interests of the influential folks who allowed them to get elected; otherwise, their career in politics would never take off.
Theory # 2: By the time the individual joins the professional world, the governing network of patronage is already too old, too deep, and too difficult to control: you either play the game, or you sit at the corner of a bar every night, drink beer, paraphrase what you just heard on CNN with strangers that are minding their own business, and pretend the game is beneath you.
Theory #3: Because the human species is designed to maximize results with the least amount of effort. Naturally, people use corruption to gain a competitive advantage over the rest.
Theory #4: Because people like to get away with stuff. And they do. To imply that human life operates according to the laws of cause and effect is to claim that the correct punishment for those responsible of genocide exists, that suffering is quantifiable, and that justice, a man-made concept, is universal (and it can’t be, given that it is not an immutable law on Earth, the fraction of the universe that we know best).

Why do most movies suck?
What you want to hear:
Only pessimists think most movies suck. The real connoisseur finds value in all artistic creation.
What my cat Kafka really thinks: Because people keep buying tickets to movies that suck.

Why do pretty frogs secrete such deadly poison?
What you want to hear: The entire universe and its billions and billions of unreachable stars was God’s gift to people. The animal kingdom, where species survive by killing and eating each other, was designed by God too, and its function is to serve humans in whatever way possible (even if there are thousands of species that live so deep in the ocean they’ll never come in contact with a human being, a fact that will be known after their carcasses are found thousands of years into the future). So maybe pretty deadly frogs contain the cure for cancer. Who knows. In the meantime, it’s okay to see them as a threat and kill them.
What my cat Kafka really thinks: to kill those who do not believe in evolution.

Why is hip-hop more popular than classical music?
What you want to hear
: hip-hop is the progressive product of poetry, jazz, and blues. It’s really tight and you should totally get into it, or else people will think you are getting old.
What my cat Kafka really thinks:

Theory #1: Hip-hop is popular because accomplishing something constructive in life like learning music appreciation and how to play an instrument takes effort, time, and discipline.
Theory #2: Hip-hop is proof that human societies are not “moving forward”, but are merely reacting to patterns established by their consumerist tendencies and their fascination with trends, i.e., the safety that comes with doing what others think is acceptable trumps self-improvement.

What is the reason vampires cannot see their own reflection in a mirror?
What you want to hear:
vampires show us how terrible it’d be to stay young and beautiful forever. Thanks to their struggles, we learn that old age and death are much needed pathways to a wonderfully pure and eternal afterlife.
What my cat Kafka really thinks: The vampire/mirror relationship plays on our fear of dependence and deterioration, since vampires cannot value their own beauty without corroboration. As the image of love is always stronger when directed toward the self, without a mirror, the individual would have to settle for the lesser opinion others have of him/her.
Example: You are a very interesting person.
Translation: Damn, you are ugly. Yes you are. Inside and outside. Ugly. And dumber than you think.

Why is a waterfall only clear during the day?
What you want to hear: It is not for the waterfall to cast light upon the world, as its focal concern is to alleviate the journey of water; it is the world that spins away from the light far too often. In a similar manner, by incorporating destructive routines into your life, you reinforce the cycle of regret. If you want your soul to shine on, you must lead a life of simplicity and compassion.
What my cat Kafka really thinks: Because people need a dark, safe place to dump incriminating corpses.

Why are dreams so chaotic?
What you want to hear:
There are two types of dreams: good dreams and bad dreams. Good dreams are divine messages from God sent to foreshadow good things to come. Bad dreams are just a faulty response to neural processes during sleep and need to be disregarded immediately.
What my cat Kafka really thinks:
Chaos is the force that drives the human soul to achieve order, which is unsustainable. This keeps people unhappy, thus motivated to desire the unattainable, an act that is fulfilling for a very brief period of time, because then it is time to move on to another unsatisfying dream.

Q: Is peace on Earth achievable?
What you want to hear
: Of course it is achievable, but first you need to find peace in your heart and forgive yourself for all prior mistakes. Believe in yourself. You must visualize a better world for your children and give it your best effort to improve it every day and every moment, one hundred and ten percent. This will motivate others to do the same, and soon you will be a leader of men and women. You will be followed by billions and everybody will hang on to every word you say. One day, you will grow a beard (because this scenario only works if you are a man, or a woman with abnormal amounts of testosterone and a penis), you’ll stop walking, you’ll raise your arms, and everybody will quiet. Then you’ll shout: Peace on Earth NOW! And it will happen, just like it has happened so many times before.
What my cat Kafka really thinks
: Yes, peace on Earth will come… when all humans are finally dead.

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